On Being a Mass of Contradictions & Shrugging Off the Constraints

I am a mass of contrasts and contradictions – a big shot and a sensitive soul, a hermit in the spotlight, a medieval sorceress in kick-ass sci fi garb, a tech geek and lover of the metaphysical and spiritual realms, and a big picture thinker who knows how to Get Things Done.

I love being “in” at home, and then there are times when I feel so limited and constrained that I just want to rip down the walls of my house to get out.

One of the constraints I’ve been wrestling with lately is being “too nice.” I’ve been “nice” for a long time.

It’s pretty boring.

I’ve been nice because I was told I should be.

I’ve been nice because I thought that’s what it meant to be spiritual. And a coach. And a coach for sensitive souls.

But I’ve also watered myself down in the process.

MYSELF.

Oops.

I’m less full of my selfness than I mean to be. I’m holding back and playing it safe.

I haven’t MEANT to hide or play it safe, exactly, but I have.

I’ve been hiding my critic’s eye, for fear of offending people.

I’ve been hiding expressing my real feelings about things publicly, like the times when I want to give up or the times I lose my way, or the times when I just plain old don’t agree with something someone I admire is doing.

The side effect of all this is that not only am I not sharing things I know will help you and me both, I’m also hold back the part of me that wants to kick ass, take names, tell the TRUTH, and get people into ACTION. Intuitive action — action based in deep inner wisdom and inner guidance — but action nonetheless.

So, I know you’ve seen me doing this already, but I wanted to tell you a little bit more about WHY I’m aiming to embrace my messy, delicious, complicated self so publicly, and how I’m hoping to inspire YOU to do the same. The more real we each are, the more full of our selfness, the more truthful and real and whole the world can become.

What part of yourself are you ready to express more fully?

~~~~~

Related Posts: Band of Misfits, or Voices of Reason? Guest Post by Kristine Carey

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What’s Jenna Up To?

~> March 15th, 2011. My Artist’s Way Accountability & Support Group continues. Details.

~> March 26th, 2011. First broadcast of my brand new Radio Lightworker radio show on “Dreamification.” Find out more and submit your questions.

~> April 29th & 30th, 2011. My next Voice Your Vision retreat will be held in Berkeley, California. Early registration is now available. Special savings if you’ve already had your hands analyzed.

Comments

  1. Hi Jenna,

    Kick “nice” butt post!

    Expressing a lot of myself already. Been letting the lioness within out for a good ten years. Yet, even so I still want to be even more rebellious, get more folks to stop sleepwalking and stop following the status quo path that leads to a cliff …

    Not going over. No, not me. Have turned back, going against the crowd so I can live while I’m alive.

    Keep going!

    Thx, Giulietta!
    Fear Buster

    thx for comment thingey …

  2. olu says:

    Hi Jenna,

    That was an awesome post. I am definitely going through this now. I’ve been too nice for too long afraid to hurt people’s feelings. I end up suffering because the energy stays inside and comes out in ways that aren’t authentic and/or negative. I’ve been embracing this energy for the past few months feeling much better about keeping it real and not beating myself up when it doesn’t always come out the way I want. Kudos to you!

  3. Jill says:

    Jenna, I so related to this post! (Especially the line about being a hermit in the spotlight :) ). One of my biggest fears about allowing myself to be the mass of contradictions I truly am is that if I do embrace that fully, I will end up alone because I’ll seem so mercurial, no one will know how to respond to me or feel they can count on me. Clearly, this is a fear I need to question. If I’m more of myself, that should connect me MORE to people, not less, right?

    Thanks so much for such a terrific and thought-provoking article!

  4. Kathryn says:

    OMG, that’s so funny, I was JUST talking about this in a conversation with a good friend (a fellow sensitive who struggles with the same thing) about an hour ago. Want to stop being overboard nice 100% of the time because A) I’m just exhausted, literally, mentally and physically from doing it B) I know now when I’m doing it because I’ll feel a little sick to my stomach afterwards because it’s really not me and C) I’ll attract the people I want in my life instead of those who only think to take advantage of all that overboard “niceness”, which has caused so much pain/abuse. But it won’t be easy for me (read, scary) because it’s a very easy way to keep the boat from not rocking. So it’ll be a work in progress for sure to get used to doing it!

  5. elisa vezzaro says:

    Thank you for sharing this. In my experience when I let myself to be true I feel a lot more empowered and I love myself more.
    Doing this I challenge the big fear in me, being rejected!!! Taking courage and be in the same way inside and outside make me feel a whole. Standing for myself and feeling the powerful loneliness is exciting and I’ve noticed the more true people are coming into my life. A big hug, ciao

  6. Heart_Portal says:

    Thanks Jenna for posting. The first two paragraphs resonate for me.

    Especially the second. As a sensitive, it is a fine line between ‘managing your energy’ & ‘going outside to play’. Some day’s I just get so fed up with being ‘responsible’ I just need to ‘let loose’. I feel like a salmon swimming upstream to ‘take good care of myself’ & go PLAY. Thanks for letting me Know I AM not alone!

    RE: the rest of this post
    Like many others, there are many opportunities to ‘step out of the box’. Discernment, Responding (not reacting) & Grace are Great tools in this arena. Keep Shining!

    • Heart_Portal says:

      Right after I wrote this it inspired me to respond to a friends invite to her beach house. Called a friend & off we went. What a delightful surprise. Right on the Beach, overlooking a expanse of Ocean. All I could say was OMG the whole time. Beautiful & Refreshing! Only had two hours there but what a glorious vacation it was! I felt like I was in Cuba or New Brighton, England. And it was ‘just a choice’.
      Many Blessings!

  7. Angela Dunning says:

    Wow, I sense your inner Wild-Woman trying to free herself from the restraints of our oh-so-nice world (what a contradiction that is!!!). Awesome Jenna, I can feel more power, energy and Real-ness coming from you;, be fierce!

  8. Miriam says:

    I am so sick of being nice all the time. So, my critical eye is learning to be a more productive truth teller. I really related to the part about not always agreeing with what people I actually admire are doing. Recently I had to sort out if I was just feeling a bit competitive or if it was a deeper truth to tell. I think it’s a combination that has me bothered that marketing coaches are giving so much time management advice. Most of it is fine but fails to consider that some people have loads of inner work to do before they can hope to just pick their priorities – overwhelming them before they start. I find that sad, and so easy to fix. Oh, I didn’t mean to vent. Guess I have my next newsletter topic.

  9. Jennifer Carmack says:

    Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes speaks in the Mothernight series about people with gifted souls and the fact that we often have difficulty accomplishing our dreams. She compared us to refugees and said there are similar patterns of response – wonderful amazing world-changing ideas and fears from the past holding us at bay. My paraphrasing does not do her words justice, and I when I listened to this I wept with relief and resolved to keep going. Because isn’t it the refugees who push on and build the new world?
    In moments of great despair, I also have to remind myself that the women and men who started the suffrage movement in the U.S. did not live long enough to see women get the vote. I’m impatient but perhaps my big dream is just…a part.

  10. Jennifer Carmack says:

    I just read my post and everyone else’s post and second-guessed myself about what I wrote b/c it was so different. And yet that is what came up for me as I read Jenna’s post. I can really torment myself with second-guessing, coming off as something……. a hick, a wannabe, a know-it-all and keep myself from speaking and writing. Part of my big dream of being ‘out’ is to hit the SUBMIT button without too much thought and avoid paralysis by analysis.

  11. Jill says:

    Thank you for your post Jenna. For me I am feeling the fear and expressing my raw vulnerability! Letting go of the role I so often play of being strong, having the answers, being the supporter of others. Acknowledging this part of myself is so liberating ;)

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